San Francisco is the land of cougars. I had a fateful encounter with a particularly nasty beast while visiting a couple of weekends ago. I should have known that partying in the ultra-preppy area north of the Marina was risky, but I foolhardedly entered Harry's sportsbar on Fillmore with another young girlfriend.Within minutes of casual conversation with some friendly young fellows, a cougar staked me out. She was easily recognizable by her platinum streaks with dark roots and the vulgar black leather coat intended to hide her weathered underskin. We were both within a 2 ft radius of bachelors and she mistaked my general smile as a threatening snarl. Fiercely territorial, this cougar began foaming at the mouth, aided by her sloppy beer consumption. The sight was too much to bear, and I looked away, ashamed for exciting the pathetic beast. I avoided further eye contact. (Note that it's important not to move when identified by a cougar—they usually seek intoxication at these local watering holes and can easily become dizzy if they try to stare at a non-moving object). But the cougar had already assessed me as a competitor come to loot her lair, and before I could set aside my Kir Royale, she struck. With a thrust of her creaky old hip, she set a bar stool toppling toward my feet. The pain had me cursing my peep-toed sandals and hurriedly limping from the bar to nurse my smarting appendage.
As I recover from the wound inflicted by this vicious vehicle of desperation, I take pause to warn you of the dangers of the cougar.
Here are some tips for spotting cougars:
- The most dangerous cougars have never borne live young.
- Cougars and most dangerous to women, and can happily co-exist with the male species. In FACT, cougars, though feral, aspire for domestication
- Cougars are harmless by daylight and choose to come out at night to protect their brittle skin
- Animal print, black leather and orange lipstick are favorites among cougars.
- http://www.urbancougar.com/sightings_nt.php
PLAY IT SAFE!
